


The Team Mustang Collection

by BleedingCoffee



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Humor, Other, Royai - Freeform, Team Mustang - Freeform, collection of drabbles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-17
Updated: 2015-05-01
Packaged: 2018-03-01 22:53:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2790671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BleedingCoffee/pseuds/BleedingCoffee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a collection of drabbles and prompts that I've written so there really isn't a plot or chronological order to these.   Just a collection of Team Mustang interactions since I so desperately want them to have their own anime.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Gift Shop-Take 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own FMA

The Team Mustang Collection

Chapter 1

The Gift Shop- Take 1

 

* * *

 

The morning rain had lifted and Colonel Mustang was walking down the street with his team on the way to a facility inspection. He decided they would walk since he had been cooped up for a week straight as the rain just refused to end. Roy wasn’t aware monsoon season was a perk to living in the East and he made a mental note to start pushing a little harder for that transfer to Central. One bonus to walking was that the lovely ladies of East City would be able to bashfully wave and giggle as he passed. He had his best flirtatious grin on for them and could hear Havoc bitching ten feet behind him. It was a good day!

 

Riza wondered if she could request a shock collar for the Colonel or if that would have to be a private purchase. Certainly if she filled out the requisition form and put it in front of him he’d sign it without a glance. He was waving and smiling and she was just dying to press a tiny button that would shock his mind back into functional instead of flirtatious. “Colonel, watch the puddles. I would hate for you to be rendered _impotent_ if you should trip and fall.”

 

Roy glanced over his shoulder at her. Well _someone_ was a little jealous. She glared back at him and he wisely looked forward without making some smart ass comment. Then his eyes caught sight of something rather intriguing; A kiosk selling fan merchandise. “I’ll be damned.”

 

Breda was trying to stay as far away from Hawkeye’s hell hound Hayate as possible, so he was the second one to see what was on the street vendor’s cart. ”Is that a Roy Mustang doll collection?”

 

Havoc walked up behind Mustang and looked over his shoulder. ”Wow! A Flame Alchemist Gift Shop!”

 

Kain Fuery darted up past Hawkeye and looked at the treasure trove. ”I’ve been looking for this stuff at Comic Con but they’re always sold out!”

 

Roy picked up the 12” action figure and smirked when he saw the little guy had his trademark handsome looks, flexibility and soft black hair. ”How cool is this?”

 

Hawkeye told Hayate to sit and wait as she looked at the toys. Fuery handed the clerk way too much money for a doll and she moved around to the side of the cart when Roy went to ask the proprietor about her wares. She picked up doll Roy, he was a very detailed little doll. The gloves were delicately stitched with his array and all the joints were movable.

 

Falman grunted. ”Fullmetal Alchemist dolls are “Half-Off”. Is that a remark about the price or his lack of limbs?”

 

Breda started to re-position all the display dolls while everyone was distracted. He started to bend the dolls over, but found they weren’t stable enough so they had to assume a “doggy style” position instead. He let the doll Colonel smack his own ass as it seemed like something the guy might try anyhow. While he was at it, he made one doll kiss his ass. Yeah, Mustang did a lot of his own ass-pats around the office, so why the hell not?

 

Havoc leaned over. ”So where are the Hawkeye dolls? Even this little plastic dude can’t do anything without his babysitter.”

 

Breda looked over at Hawkeye who was rather intently checking out the figure and his clothes. He cleared his throat, “So Hawkeye, are you dying to get his little clothes off so you can see if he’s anatomically correct…..or to see if they put that little mole he has on his ass on the replica?”

 

"He doesn’t have a…." Riza paused as she saw Havoc and Breda hanging on her next words. She looked up and through the cart to see a pair of black eyes peering at her through narrowed eyelids from the other side. She couldn’t see the rest of Roy’s face but she could she that arched eyebrow, a tell tale sign that his smirk was firmly fixed on his lips. He was curious to see how she backed her way out of their trap too. Bastard. "Price tag."

 

Roy’s grin went full scale as he saw Breda and Havoc hang their heads in defeat. He looked at the pamphlet he got from the clerk and waved it at Breda, ”They have a life size version too.”

 

"What good are they if you can’t buy a Hawkeye doll?" Havoc stood up and shrugged. "What’s the point of buying him if we can’t have them make out?"

 

Falman gave a deep ‘hmmmm’ as he read the pamphlet. “Sir, maybe you should be concerned that the life size version has a pliable anus and silky soft mouth and is marketed as a ‘love doll’.”

 

"Who cares?" Havoc pouted. "I don’t want to have to customize a gun-toting Barbie just to give Fuery’s doll some much needed attention."

 

Breda held the doll he was looking at out over the puddle in the street and dropped it in. ”Where are you Doll Hawkeye? He’s wet! You know how vulnerable that makes him! Protect him and molest him! Help! He’s useless and damp! He's all wet before you are!”

 

Hawkeye frowned as the clerk put her hands on her hips and glared at the grown man. ”Breda, pay for the doll you just ruined. Hayate, get the doll out of the puddle.”

 

Breda screamed as the dog darted forward and snatched up the soaking wet action figure.

 

Havoc pulled out his wallet to pay for his best friend who just spent the last of his paycheck on a pastrami sandwich. ”It really is just wrong that you don’t sell her doll too. If they were that accurate, then they’d come in the box together because he can’t do anything without her. We know. We work for him.”

 

Roy bent down to pet Hayate who was not interested in relinquishing his prize. ”Now you make sure you put that on her bed tonight, Ok? I’ll give you a steak if you do that for me.”

 

Riza kicked her Colonel. ”Stop it.”

 

Roy stood and whispered, “What? If I can’t be there, Little Roy should remind you of what you’re missing.”

 

"If your _little Roy_ is ever going to be allowed in my bed again, you better quit saying things like that in public.” Riza growled back.

 

"They’re distracted with toys." He pouted, "I miss you."

 

"Just because I’m not standing right beside you holding an umbrella doesn’t mean I’m not right behind you."

 

"You’re not close enough to rub against back there," He grinned. "Speaking of, what were you looking for down his pants?"

 

She looked at the rest of the team trying to convince Fuery to let them play with his new doll. Fuery was starting to whine about ‘collector value’ and something about ‘new in box’ as Havoc snatched the toy from him. ”Take control of your men, please.”

 

"Gentleman," Roy said authoritatively. "We have a…"

 

"Fueling station." Riza said.

 

"Fueling station to inspect." Roy completed his sentence and watched them grumble and leave Fuery alone. "Let’s get moving."

 

 


	2. Marry/F*ck/Kill

The Team Mustang Chronicles

Chapter 2

Marry/Fuck/Kill

* * *

 

Roy slammed the pen down on his desk and exclaimed, “Done!”

 

Riza wondered how long it was going to take him to realize nobody was talking to him this morning.  She saw his triumphant grin and he winked at her, she replied with an intense stare and then let her eyes drift to the table where the rest of the staff was pretending to be busy.  

 

"What the hell is wrong with everyone?"  Roy asked.  Shouldn’t they be congratulating him on actually doing his paperwork?

 

Riza held up the notebook where everyone’s answers were stored from the Marry/Fuck/Kill game they had played earlier.   “For starters, I think Lt. Havoc wants to know why chose to ‘Fuck then Kill’ him.”

 

"He smokes."  Roy said and rested his head on his hand.  "He’d smoke after sex.   I’d have no choice.   Besides, marriage would just be a long depressing road where I’d have to listen to him say, ‘Oh Roy, light my cigarette’ as he smoked himself to death.  Nope.  Might as well bury you now and save on all the medical bills."

 

Havoc cocked his head.  Clearly Mustang made up his own rules for the game after he didn’t bother to listen their explanation.   It wasn’t about placing the options in order of preference.  

 

"I don’t smoke."  Breda sat back and crossed his arms.  "So why did you kill me?"

 

"Because we were going to fuck, " Roy said and imagined the scenario again that lead to his decision.  "Then I asked for the condom mints and you came in the bedroom with a hot dog bun and _condiments_.   You died because you slapped my dick between two  _hot dog_  buns and squirted mustard on it.  Not that I’m offended by the blowjob, that shit stings!  It’s spicy.   Not in a kinky way either.   No, you died because of that.   If it’s any consolation, I did take you to dinner before going back to my place.”

 

Havoc leaned over and whispered to Breda, “He does realize these aren’t fanfiction prompts, right?”

 

"This is better than Rock, Paper, Scissors when he ended up running down the hall screaming ‘I’m running with scissors’ as we tried to explain the game to him."  Breda recalled.  Why did they follow this guy again?

 

Riza looked at the notebook.  Fuery had written MARRY in marker next to Roy’s name and drew little hearts around it.  She sighed.  Roy killed him too.

 

"And Fuery, you died because we were going to listen to some porn and you brought out a tape of Grumman having phone sex with my Mom." Roy glared at him.  "You’re lucky you died quickly."

 

Fuery started to cry.  ”I didn’t intend to record that when I tapped the phones, I swear!  We could have had so many puppies!”

 

"Well you ruined that pretty damned fast."  Roy said coldly.  "Now I have to rehome the puppies and I can’t use the radio without having flashbacks."  

 

Breda shook his head.  ”Nope, he really is convinced all of this will happen.”

 

"Well," Havoc shrugged, "In all honesty, it probably would go down exactly the way he said if we hooked up.  I would use him as my lighter and expect him to use his oxygen manipulation to help me breath when I’m dying and my lungs no longer work.   He deserves better, just not _you_ because you can’t take a hint that a hot dog bun wasn’t the buns he was talking about."

 

"Falman."  Roy said.  "You had me the moment you recited the rules of alchemy, but then you refused to put out.   First you said it was because of wanting to wait til marriage then you wanted to sign a pre-nuptial agreement and write our vows and a whole slew of shit that drove me crazy.  I hate paperwork! I did it anyway and you found more shit for me to sign.  Insurance paperwork, joint bank account…a mortgage!  And NO! we weren’t just together because your grey hair made me look younger.  So I transferred you to Briggs with the other frigid bitch who refused me time and time again.  I’m still waiting on you to sign the divorce papers, asshole."

 

Falman coughed.  ”Which is why I had to kill you.”

 

"You killed me the day you said ‘I do’ and stomped on my heart." Roy crossed his arms and sighed.  "I don’t even know what I’m going to tell the kids.  Fucking adoption paperwork was a nightmare too."

 

Breda leaned over to Havoc.  ”What the hell are condom mints?”

 

"Think about it bud."  Havoc snorted.  "We should really find more of these games, he’s got a really vivid imagination.  Seriously wasting it just daydreaming about Hawkeye and overthrowing the government."

 

Breda cocked an eyebrow.  ”So, what about Hawkeye?”

 

She sighed as his face lit up.  She hoped it would be less detailed than the Falman relationship.   Especially since Roy circled all three options and added hearts around her name.

 

"Easy." Roy looked to his Lieutenant and smiled.   "Marry, Fuck a lot and Kill anyone who looks at her wrong."


	3. Gift Shop- Take 2

The Team Mustang Collection

Chapter 3

The Gift Shop- Take 2

* * *

 

 

"Why are you dragging me out here?"  Mustang huffed as Havoc pulled him from the restaurant lobby and into the street.  "It’s not going to ruin my date.   She’s not even here yet and I doubt she has a problem with smoke since she used to willingly spend time with you."

 

Havoc stopped and turned to him. His bastard boss and friend.   He pointed his finger in his face, then put up two fingers, then took the cigarette out of his mouth and blew smoke in Mustang’s face.  ”I liked flower shop girl.”

 

Roy narrowed his eyes at him and made sure once the smoke cleared, Havoc could see his annoyance.  ”You don’t even remember her name.”

 

"Neither _do you_." Havoc snorted and put his cigarette back between his lips and smiled.  

 

Roy shrugged.  He didn’t have a comeback.  ”What’s so important?”

 

"This!"  Havoc turned the corner and opened his arms wide to show off the amazing find.   "You finally have the prime spot, Main and Broad St!  You classy whore!"

 

Roy looked at the little wooden mobile shop that graced the corner beside the newspaper machine and the fire hydrant.   The little cart boasted the title of ‘Flame Alchemist Gift Shop’ and had all kinds of interesting merchandise.  

 

Havoc leapt over to the cart and picked up the 12” Roy Mustang doll.  ”Maybe you should get one for Hawkeye, so she can keep her little Roy nestled close to her at all times.  Or this dog tag..locket thing that she can wear and have you between her boobs.”

 

Roy felt his cheeks flush and tried to find something to distract Havoc so he didn’t see it.  ”What do people do with these?”

 

"Probably not as much as they do with the life size version, right?" Havoc asked the clerk.  "There is a life size one, right?"

 

"Jean, I think you just managed to make me feel uncomfortable."  Roy said and raised his eyebrow as he watched the man move the dolls around so they were hugging, slapping, smacking and kissing themselves. "Really uncomfortable.  Are you reading Breda’s fanfiction again?"

 

"It’s called beta-reading and it’s a public service."  Havoc snorted.  

 

"The proof-reading or the fanfiction?"

 

"Both."  Havoc blew some smoke on the doll and grinned.  "Now he will smell more smokey and we can play with him in the office.  He’s so authentic!"

 

"No wonder I’m never going to be Fuhrer."  Roy frowned.  He was just glad Hughes wasn’t here.  He knew the man would be even worse.

 

"It will be great!  Do you remember that ‘Snap Chat’ thing you thought was about snapping and setting things on fire?"  Havoc asked.

 

"How the hell was I supposed to know Fullmetal wasn’t challenging me to another stupid duel?"  Roy growled.  Damn them, they all still laughed about it.  Ha Ha.  Mustang’s so old he doesn’t know what ‘kids these days’ play with.  Ha Ha.  Yeah, funny Hughes.  Funny like me setting your camera on fire. _Touche Pussy-catto_.

 

"Well just think about what Doll Roy can do!"  Havoc grabbed one of the Fullmetal toys and frowned.  ’Half-Off’ well that was one joke Mustang hadn’t made yet. He made his best Mustang impression as he posed the doll pointing at Edward. "At least I’m not _half-off_ , Fullmetal."

 

Roy sighed and took out his pocket watch as Havoc continued his little action figure play on the side of the cart.

 

"I’m not the _Mor-ON_ , Colonel Bastard!" Squeaked Havoc.

 

Roy took out his gloves and  cleared his throat.  ”About that Snap-Chat thing…”

 

Havoc realized he got carried away and looked for somewhere to illustrated his point.  He put the doll on the fire hydrant and was hard pressed to come up with a witty line.  ”Just picture it….”

 

Roy looked at Havoc as he knelt down and positioned his fingers in a ‘frame up’ of the Hydrant and doll.  ”I don’t have to try hard to picture you dying alone.”

 

Havoc frowned.  Jackass.  ”Not even this hydrant can extinguish the fire in my loins for you, Riza.”

 

Roy felt his cheeks flush again.   

 

"I forgot to ask!  Where the hell is the Hawkeye one? "  Havoc grabbed the doll and turned to the clerk.  "You have to have a Hawkeye one!"

 

"I’m sorry sir, we don’t." The clerk kept reading her dime novel Flame Alchemist fanfiction.  She knew they had to kiss soon, no two human beings could be that in love and so close and not at least kiss.   There were only ten pages left, _dammit KISS_!

 

"Are these things anatomically correct?" Havoc asked as he felt something ‘extra’ under his fingers when he grabbed the doll off the hydrant.

 

"Of course.  You think we just care about the perfect uniform replica and not the way his uniform always showcases the bulge in his pants?"  The clerk turned and looked at Mustang with a smile.  Then her eyes went to his pants and a smirk emerged.  "Colonel Must-Bang indeed."

 

Roy shuffled uncomfortably. 

 

"Then we have to have Riza!  At the rate you two are going, by the time you bang in the office you’re probably going to break a hip or something."  Havoc pouted.  "You don’t understand.  It’s so out of character for him to be by himself.  He wouldn’t even be able to find the instructions to get himself out of the box without her holding his hand." 

 

"Lets see how easily I can find the transfer paperwork come Monday." Roy hissed.  "I bet Briggs has a nice Gift Shop too."

 

"I’m buying it."  Havoc snapped back.  "You best prepare your explanation as to why Roy is in Hawkeye’s desk come Monday without his pants on."

 

Roy growled.  There would be no convincing her that he had no part in that.   “Go ahead and play with your doll.  I have a date.”

 

"So does Little Roy."  Havoc said as he put his new doll in the box.   "A date with destiny."

 

Roy shook his head and walked back to the restaurant.  He was glad Hughes and Havoc didn’t live in the same town.  He saw his date standing outside the restuarant and smiled.  ”Hello Elizabeth, you look incredible tonight.”

 

Riza locked her arm around his as she messed with her brunette wig and glasses again to make sure they were still straight.  ”I don’t look like….me do I?”

 

"Don’t worry dear."  Roy leaned over and whispered.  "I’m great at undressing you with my eyes."

 

"Roy." She hissed.  "Answer the question.  I just saw Havoc run across the street with some voodoo doll.  You know what’s going to happen if he sees us!"

 

"Don’t worry, he’s off on some quest to use some action figure to seduce you for me."  Roy shrugged.  

 

"Wasn’t the fanfiction enough?"  She frowned.  "Or that fanart Falman drew?  I’m pretty sure when we get married, I’m going to be disappointed we don’t look that good."

 

"Everyone has their hobbies." He grinned and squeezed her arm.  "Good thing we’re better at ours."


	4. Annual Assessment

The Team Mustang Chronicles

Chapter 4

Annual Assessment

* * *

It was the worst time of the year for Colonel Mustang, once again it was time for him to write annual employee reviews.   He had no idea why the military bothered with employee appraisals, it’s not like this was corporate Amestris where people’s pay was determined by some unfair, biased supervisor paperwork.  This was the military and pay grade was determined by rank, not by how well he delivered written assessments to his own supervisor, the wicked HR woman or payroll.   He stared at the box of reviews sitting on his desk and grumbled.  ”Why don’t you just all write your own reviews. It’s how I plan to develop your leadership skills, you need to review each other as peers and submit them to me for approval and signatures.”

 

"You can’t delegate this, sir." Hawkeye shoved the box in front of him and returned to her desk.  "There is also a new form, 876B, that you are required to fill out this year."

 

"Seriously?"  Roy exclaimed.  "Is that bitch from HR trying to strangle me with her red tape just because I won’t date her?"

 

"Why is it that you assume every woman wants to date you?" Hawkeye asked.

 

"Because he can’t date you." Havoc replied.

 

Breda chirped, “And tries to overcompensate by being a man whore in order to avoid thinking about you when you’re not beside him.”

 

"I want to date Colonel Mustang."  Fuery said.  "Especially after he took my glasses and threw me on the bed that one time…"

 

"Fuery, stop romanticizing it. It was for an undercover assignment. " Breda said and patted the kid’s head.  "That wasn’t about you, no matter how much you want to think he was trying to have Hawkeye cosplay you,"

 

"Undercover…." Falman said quitely.  "Or under the covers?"

 

Fuery smiled as he thought about that.   His unpublished yaoi fanfiction, ‘Raising Kain’ was already 20 pages of the Colonel trying to seduce him at the office.  Sure he just took Breda’s Royai office smut fanfic and used his address labels to paste his name over Riza’s but….”I mean…ha. No.  That’s not what I was thinking it was.”

 

"Need I remind you all that the Colonel always leaves these reviews to the last minute and I end up suggesting most of what he writes?"  Hawkeye asked and watched the men smile back at her.

 

"You looked cute with glasses."  Havoc said and reached for a cigarette. 

 

"Thank you." Fuery purred and then turned red when he realized it wasn’t directed at him.

 

Roy picked up form 876B and read it.  ”So according to this I need to survey my employees and ask them to describe me, their supervisor, in one word.  Then assess myself and provide a game plan for improving myself for the next year. Ha.  Well I don’t know how you improve on perfection, but sure.  I’ll play along.”  

 

Riza cocked an eyebrow.  Well he was in for a rude awakening.  She looked up as Ed and Al entered the room, the Elric brothers being the embodiment of convenient timing.   

 

"Ok, So if you were going to describe me in just one word, what would it be?" Roy asked as he poised his pen over the form to fill out everything quickly and hopefully earn a few points with Hawkeye.

 

"Asshole."  Ed said without so much as a pause.

 

"Badass" Havoc said, hoping to score points for his review

 

"Dumbass." Hawkeye chimed in.

 

"Smartass." Breda answered

 

 ”Fine ass.” Falman said and added a grunt of approval.

 

"Asset?" Fuery said.  

 

"Asshat!" Ed answered again and the Colonel glared at him.

 

"Halfass?"  Al shrugged.   

 

Roy put his pen down.   “Clearly you all think about my ass too much.  So if I were to submit this the only course of action I can recommend for the next year is wearing a mini-skirt so you can see more of it.”

 

Hawkeye heard Al gasp, Ed screamed in pain at the mental image and the rest of the team cringed.  Except for Falman who seemed to nod in approval.   “Sir, we already have stalkers and fangirls reporting spottings of your pronounced crotch bulge we don’t need a whole new fandom to emerge because you show your _bare-ass_  to the world.”

 

"Well then, I expect this form…" Roy stood up and grabbed his uniform jacket off his chair.  "Form 876B to be filled out in it’s entirety when I get back from lunch or I will be submitting my  _sweet ass_  self-improvement plan to HR for implemenation in the coming year.”

 

Riza glared at him as he waltzed out of the office, thrilled to have tricked them into doing his work for him.  “‘Beat his ass’ is going to be what I recommend.”

 

Breda whistled.  ”Well we walked right into that one.”

 

"How the hell does he do that?" Havoc looked around at them all.  "How the hell does that man use his powers for evil every time?"

 

"Probably because he wants Hawkeye to spank his ass for being a bad boss."  Breda looked over at her and winked.  

 

"Get to work." Hawkeye snapped.   Someday she was going to enjoy telling these boys that that was exactly his motivation, but that would have to wait.   


	5. Gift Shop- Take 3

The Team Mustang Collection

Chapter 5

Gift Shop- Take 3

* * *

 

"Do you know what the hardest part of my job is?"  Roy asked as his team followed behind him dutifully.

 

"The sexual tension between you and Hawkeye?" Breda asked and savored his chicken salad sandwich.  

 

“ _Hard_  part.” Havoc snorted and bumped fists with Breda.  

 

Fuery chirped, “The paperwork?”

 

Falman grunted, “Spelling Fuhrer correctly?”

 

Hawkeye felt everyone look at her for a response and she finally sighed and said, “Remembering you can’t go fight in the rain?”

 

Roy frowned.  ”No.”

 

"What then, Chief?"  Havoc asked and took another drag of his cigarette.

 

"Coming up with short jokes."  Roy put his hands in his pockets and looked at the bookstore across the street.  "I’m really considering going over there and buying a book.  I’m running out."

 

Falman frowned.  ”We would hate for you to come up _short_ , sir.”

 

"Did you just make a joke?"  Roy asked and heard Fuery scream.  

 

"It’s the new Flame Alchemist 12 inch!" Fuery squealed and ran off towards a vendor cart on the sidewalk.

 

"Shit." Havoc started hacking on the huge intake of nicatine.  "Nothing short about that Chief! Damn Hawkeye, I know you like the big guns, but shit!"

 

"What about a footlong?" Breda asked.  "Is there a sub shop over there?"

 

"Hung like a horse." Falman nodded.  "Now your pant pucker makes sense.  I just assumed you had them tailored so everyone’s eye would be drawn to your crotch."

 

Roy turned to Riza and gave her a confused look, “What the hell are they talking about?”

 

"Sir, I have no idea what sets them off anymore."  She sighed as the team followed Fuery over to a small cart.  "I told you after that Claudio incident that you should find less flattering pants."

 

"It wasn’t an incident it was just….a misunderstanding." Roy mumbled. 

 

"It was an international incident."  She snapped.  "Cause by your damned crotch."

 

"It’s just the way the fabric lays! I’m not advertising anything!"  Roy said apologetically.  "I still appreciate that you were willing to shoot a Prince who was trying to molest me."

 

"Roy, that’s not why I was trying to kill him.  I was ordered to kill him, we just played it off as a bizarre sexual fiasco." Riza snapped back.

 

"I have a hard time keeping the story straight."  Roy frowned.  "Operation: Prince of Dawn was really a very confusing.  I look at the photos from that and it still seems like an acid trip or some poorly translated manga."

 

"Roy, focus."  Riza pointed at the rest of the team giggling and playing with dolls.  

 

Roy walked over and looked at what everyone was fussing over.   Oh, there really were 12” Roy Mustangs…..they just were dolls.  He watched Fuery hand over enough money to buy four as Breda manipulated all the display models to do something lewd.  ”Breda, don’t put my own hand down my pants.”

 

Breda looked over his shoulder at him.  ”Sir, Falman wanted to know if they were anatomically correct.  I didn’t want to take your pants off and there is no doll Hawkeye to do it for us.  So next best thing is to have you check yourself.”

 

"It’s testicular awareness month."  Havoc informed him.

 

"You idiot, it’s testicular cancer awareness."  Roy growled.

 

"Not in doll world.  They just check to make sure they have balls."  Havoc stuck his tongue out at him.  "Where is the doll Hawkeye anyhow?  RoyAi shippers demand to know why you are not gearing your marketing towards us!"

 

"Does it come in life size?" said a feminine voice.

 

Everyone turned to look at the source of the question however Riza stood there with a straight face. “Just kidding.”

 

"Dammit woman!" Breda screamed.  "You’ll kill us with shit like that!"

 

Roy walked around the other side of the cart to see what else the kiosk sold.  He looked at the sign and started laughing.  ”Oh God, the Fullmetal dolls are  _Half off_! Do you get it!?  HALF OFF!”

 

"Whatever."  Havoc snorted.  "We want to know where _your_ other half is so she can take your clothes off.   I demand a Hawkeye doll.  I DEMAND IT!"

 

"Oh my God, HALF OFF!" Roy laughed. 

 

Riza shook her head and took the pamphlet for the life size Mustang love doll.  ”I bet he’d get more paperwork done than you Colonel.”

 

"That’s not all he’d get done." Havoc nudged her then looked away when she got that look in her eye.

 

"We need to go to the toy store and buy some girl dolls so we have stuff to play with."  Breda said and paid for his own action figure.  "We can have Hughes take pictures and we can make our own picture book."

 

"To go with the smut you write?"  Riza asked.

 

"Every little bit helps."  Havoc said.  "You two assholes have ruined our lives.  We take what we can get until you two finally show up on each other’s arm in public so we can swoon."

 

Roy came around the corner and said. “Did someone say they had a camera?  I want a picture of this sign.”

* * *

 


	6. Central ComicCon

Kain Fuery was still not in costume for the latest mission.  He was hoping they would forget about him and not make him wear an outfit at all.   The mission today was to infiltrate Central Comic Con, something he and Breda had been going to for years so they knew their way around. Thankfully Amestris had a healthy fan culture surrounding the military so they wouldn’t be out of place impersonating fellow officers.   It was actually kind of scary how quickly manga popped up after one of their adventures.   Unfortunately this time he wasn’t going as Olivier Armstrong, he was being forced to haul around his radio equipment and couldn’t pass that off as her ample chest.   (Even though the Colonel did use alchemy to make ‘Boob Radios’, he wasn’t interested in flipping his fake nipples on and off to use them.)  Today, he was going as Mei Chang’s Panda.  

 

Havoc propped his feet up on the desk and smiled at Breda.  ”Sure feels good to be in character.”

 

Breda fixed his “sparkles” and skull cap once more then cleared his throat to try and get his best Armstrong voice, “Edward Elric….You’re still going to get yelled at.”

 

Havoc snorted and blew smoke out his nose as he scratched at the ridiculous blond wig he was wearing.  He felt like he was wearing a ferret on the back of his head, the braid was hard to get used to.   He had immediately volunteered to be ‘older, taller Ed’ when they were choosing characters.   It amused him.   He took out his pocket watch and flashed it at Breda/Armstrong and squealed, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m a state alchemist!”

 

"Edward Elric…" Boomed Breda, "That’s irresponsible use of your State Alchemist pocket watch that has been passed down through generations of alchemists!"

 

"Bitch, don’t lecture me!"  Havoc snorted as Breda started to laugh.  "I only joined the military so I could make soldiers crap their pants everytime I shove my watch in their face without warning."

 

"My God," Riza walked in the room and shook her head.  "I can already feel the migraine starting."

 

Fuery looked over at Hawkeye who was now dressed like Colonel Mustang.  Though she was standing way too rigid and didn't look pleased with herself.  Totally out of character, but she was new. He looked to Havoc who stood up and walked over to her, flipping his braid over his shoulder and holding his head up high.

 

"Hey Colonel, how’s the weather down there?"

 

Riza narrowed her eyes at him and ground her teeth.  This was already old.   She watched Breda jump on the couch and strike his Armstrong pose. 

 

"Better question is…" Breda smiled.  "How do you like being in the Colonel’s gloves?"

 

Riza actually hated that part of the wardrobe. She hated gloves, they interfered with her ability to grip a gun.  However since they were ‘playing’ their parts she held it up and tugged on it, like she saw Roy do every time he thought about them, and smiled.  ”Flame Alchemy was a Hawkeye family secret.  How do you know it’s not passed down in my family to me as well?”

 

Havoc shook his head.  ”Wow, to have been in that house when you two were hormonal teenagers.”  

 

Breda nodded.  ”I know, makes your panties wet, doesn’t it?”

 

Havoc chuckled.  ”Speaking of panties.  Were is Lt. Roy Hawkeye?”

 

Riza cringed as she heard the door swing open.  This was going to be a long day.

 

"Get back to work!" Roy snapped.  "I’ll shoot your balls off if you don’t!"

 

Fuery squeaked in surprise.  Holy hell, Mustang actually did it.

 

Havoc smiled.  Sure enough their Colonel was dressed up as Hawkeye _in a skirt_.   “Roy Mustang, you’re dead sexy in a mini-skirt.”

 

Roy sauntered in and smiled.  He snapped a salute to Riza who just stared at him like he never wanted to lay eyes on him again.  ”Colonel!”

 

Riza cocked an eyebrow as he put his hand down and realized he had shifted his fake boobs in the process of saluting.  He started shoving them around to put them back in place.  ”Stop playing with your boobs.”

 

"Why don’t you play with them for me, Colonel?" Roy smiled back.

 

Breda squeaked. “Oh my God, it’s like my wet dreams are coming true.”

 

Havoc shook his head.   Even with the ridiculous wig, extra large fake boobs and the thankfully not so tiny mini skirt, Mustang looked like himself.  His trademark smirk, never left his face as he was just having way too much fun with this assignment. “Yeah, Colonel…discipline ‘her’.”

 

Riza shot the other two boys glares as Roy bumped his ‘boobs’ into her arm.  ”Do you really think I act like that?”

 

Roy leaned in and whispered, “Colonel, want me to sit on your desk while you do paperwork?  I’m not wearing any underwear.”

 

Riza slapped him in the face.  ”Wrong! Just Wrong!”

 

"Do you want to see where I’m hiding my gun?" Roy asked with a wink.

 

Fuery chuckled and then noticed something sparkly out of the corner of his eye.  Not Breda’s fake sparkles either, this was silverish.  Then he screamed.  There, in the doorway, stood Veto Falman.  He was painted silver from head to toe with only a dishtowel loincloth to cover his nude painted body.   He was also holding a stuffed animal cat.

 

"Hello, Brother." Falman said in the most emotionless tone and stepped forward.  Havoc almost leapt into the next county. "What are we going to do today? Save the world? Bring back the dead? Pet my pussy?" Falman held out the stuffed animal to illustrate his offer.

 

Breda almost lost his lunch.    Falman’s  voice coupled with his shiny nude body just made this whole experience go sour. That killed whatever RoyAi boner he had. 

 

"AH! God!" Roy looked away as a breeze blew in from the hall and fluttered the towel.  "Why aren’t you wearing anything under that loincloth?"

 

Riza shook her head.  ”This day is going to start with half of you being arrested for indecent exposure.  Fuery, get dressed please.  We need to get moving before General Grumman decides to join us.  Like the Colonel, he also enjoys wearing women's clothes." 


	7. Gift Shop- Take 4

"What the hell is that?"

 

Hawkeye looked around Mustang to see a little mobile gift shop set up in the lobby of Eastern HQ.   She watched him walk forward and strike his imposing stance as he prepared to threaten the proprietor with legal action for setting up in military headquarters.  

 

"You have two minutes to roll this out of here before I set it on fire."  Roy growled as the girl smiled at him and sighed.  

 

"Oh yes, Colonel Mustang, please tell me what you’re going to do to  _me_  if I refuse.”  She couldn’t pry her eyes away from his face.  Was there anything more beautiful that this man?  Yes….it was this man angry.  That was much better.

 

Riza was distracted by the merchandise and picked up the officially licensed Roy Mustang action figure.   She looked around and was thankful none of the other members of the team were down here yet.  Since Roy was distracted, she inspected the little version of him.   He had soft hair, an adorable smirk and an authentic uniform right down to the ‘pant pucker’.  She glanced at Roy to make sure he was still busy and unbuttoned the little guy’s trousers.  She raised her eyebrows.   Dolls had come a long way since she was a little girl.   Oh… _it_  was articulated too.

 

"Colonel I have a permit right here."  The shop keep handed him the paperwork and leaned forward to smell his manly…sort of smokey, scent.   

 

Roy looked at it and frowned.  ”General Grumman signed this but it is still a breach of military protocol and even he doesn’t have the authority to sign off on it.”

 

"He said you’d say that, but it sounded so much better in your voice than his."  She savored the sound for a minute longer then added, "He said that you are over budget and that this gift shop is going to help provide some revenue to offset that. The Amestrian government has started licensing your names and images since so much fanart and merchandise is being made and they aren’t profiting.  Now they get a cut of all of it, on top of sales taxes.  You’re a cash cow."

 

"Grumman would have told me that in person instead of leaving it to some civilian.  You have ten seconds to leave."  Roy growled.  

 

"He would have but he was too anxious to return to his office and play with his limited edition RoyAi wedding set.  He said, it was probably going to be the only way he was going to walk his granddaughter down the aisle since you clearly have commitment issues.   Uh…commitment to the wrong issues.   Or something like that.  He was busy giggling as he walked away so I didn’t really hear him that well."  She grinned at him.  "But you can feel free to cuff me and take me away for interrogation Colonel.  Anytime."

 

"What are you doing, Lieutenant?"

 

Riza jumped and dropped the doll she was looking at.  He landed on the floor sideways and his little doll penis popped out of his pants.  She looked at Havoc who had come around the corner of the cart and caught her.  ”I…”

 

Havoc looked down at the lewd doll Roy and snickered.  ”Slippery when wet huh?  Better get the caution sign out of the janitor closet.”

 

Breda walked up and stared at the indecent Colonel on the floor and shook his head.  ”Oh…please tell me you were doing what I think you were doing.”

 

"I was going to buy it…for Hayate."  She watched them both raise their eyebrows.  "You know how much that dog likes him, I wanted to get it for him.  I needed to make sure there were no small parts that he’d choke on."

 

Havoc and Breda looked down at the exposed Little Roy.  Havoc puffed on his cigarette and sighed.  ”Nothing small there.  Interesting that you know how big it has to be to choke on it.”  

 

"Some days I really hate him." Breda frowned.  "So you’re going to buy your adopted dog child a anatomically correct version of his Foster Dad?  You can do better than that, Hawkeye."

 

She whistled and Hayate came over, effectively making Breda jump for cover behind Havoc.  She bent down and put the doll parts back in his pants before giving it to Hayate.  

 

Roy watched Hayate carry off one of the dolls and set it down on his paws and watch it.   He glanced at Riza for an explaination but noticed a small sign in front of the Fullmetal doll.  ”Ha!  Ed’s  _little_   toy is ‘half-off’.  If I buy that for the kid, can I get the sign too?”

 

 ”Colonel you can get anything you want.” The clerk replied.

 

"Even this life size sex doll version?"  Havoc held up the pamphlet advertising the doll.  "Which is fantastic that our government is now capitalizing on your fame by selling sex dolls to the public."

 

"Less dates for you."  Breda snorted as he found the Oliver Armstrong Doll and put her hands in little Roy’s shirt.  "Where the hell is the Hawkeye doll? "

 

"Special collectors edition only." The clerk informed them.  "Sold out."

 

"Booo!" Breda pouted.

 

"I’m going to go take this up with Grumman."  Roy handed the Fullmetal doll to Havoc.  "Buy some cocktail sauce to go with that would you? Gift wrap it, maybe put it in a box or something he can use as a stool."

 

"You’re mean."  Havoc said with a frown.   

 

"I’m buying him a damned gift, little ingrate better thank me for that.   Not every orphan kid his age gets toys, food and furniture as a present for just showing up for work!  It’s Fullmetal’s fault there is a gift shop in our lobby now to cover all the costs of his adventures. " Roy sighed and looked at Riza.  "Ready, Lieutenant?  We need to go check in with Grumman."

 

"Yes, Sir." She watched her dog pick up his Roy toy and trot over to her side.  

 

Breda leaned over to look at the clerk.  ”Did he just pay for her toy too?”

 

"Yes sir." The girl replied. 

 

"Like an old married couple." Havoc shook his head.  


	8. And That's how You Get Ants

On one of the nights they were working late, Riza decided to go out and get sandwiches for dinner.  She took the food orders from the team then went to Roy’s office.  When asked what he wanted Roy replied, “Peanut Butter and Jelly.”

 

Surprised he would want something like that she had to think back to a time when he had actually eaten that particular sandwich.   The answer was never.  Finally she asked, “What kind of jelly?”

 

"Sex jelly."  He replied and gave her a wink. 

 

Annoyed that he was clearly not taking work or taking the ‘no sex in the office’ rule seriously, she went out and bought a sandwich from the corner deli and the personal lubricant from the gas station bathroom machine.  She scraped off the grape jelly and added the lube before putting the sandwich back together and returning to the office.   

 

Roy was rather disappointed that she came back with an actual PB&J sandwich.   He took a bite and considered the weird texture and wondered why it was so bland.   Meanwhile the rest of the team was enjoying their meals in the main office.   Roy had already forgotten about his ‘order’ and walked out to ask Riza, “What kind of sandwich is this?”

 

"Exactly what you ordered, sir."  Riza said and took a bite of her chicken salad sandwich.  "I obey your orders to the very finest detail."

 

Roy held the sandwich up, still not understanding her comment or recalling what he asked for.  ”Clearly the deli doesn’t respect  _your_  orders, Lieutenant.”

 

Riza set her sandwich down as a hush settled over the room.   The rest of the team, hanging on every word, their smiles of satisfaction as they basked in the glow of one of their treasured RoyAi moments.  Tonight, they’d get exactly what they wanted.  ”It’s exactly what you asked for, sir.  Peanut Butter and Sex Jelly.  Fresh from the deli and the gas station vending machine.”

 

The sandwich fell from his hands and his jaw almost hit the floor.  Then Breda started to choke on his sub and Fuery screamed, “He’s choking, someone perform the hind lick maneuver!”

 

Havoc looked at his ashen faced boss, ignoring his best friend now turning blue,  and screamed, “Well Colonel?  You’re the one with the lube already in your mouth!”

 

Falman stepped forward and sighed, then gave Breda the Heimlich as he had to do countless times before when the man choked on a footlong sub thanks to some RoyAi moment he shouldn’t have been paying attention too.  You would think he would learn to chew already. 


	9. Gift Shop- Take 5

Riza almost dropped her coffee cup when she went into Roy’s office and saw him staring intently at his paperwork.   He was toying with a pen in his mouth and seemed rather focused on what he was reading.   The rest of the team had gone out to lunch and she assumed he went with them.  ”Everything alright sir?”

 

Roy took the pen out of his mouth and pried his eyes away from the papers in his hand.  ”Not really.”

 

Riza stepped forward and watched him put down the stack and lean back in his chair.  ”What is it?”

 

"Our love life sucks compared to what we do in Breda’s fanfiction."

 

Riza blinked at him.  ”I’m sorry, what?”

 

Roy threw the pen down on his desk.  ”We are just boring.”

 

"I like what we have."  She set the coffee down and glanced at the manuscript.  "I really like the part where we keep our jobs and don’t get dishonorably discharged for fraternizing."

 

"Riza, in these stories he writes we put the Kama Sutra to shame."

 

She frowned.  ”He must be improving.  The one I read was a Princess Bride cross-over illustrated by Havoc.  It was part stick figure art and part serial killer style photo cut outs glued onto the stick figures.”

 

Roy held up the story.  ”I’m concerned that he seems to come up with more than a dozen ways to misspell Fuhrer, but I’m going to blame that on all those word games he plays.  The fact is that in these stories I’m not some lazy nerd who lays on the couch with you and reads.”

 

"I love that."  She said with a frown.  "I love when you read to me too, I just wish you’d pick something that wasn’t alchemy."

 

"We’re like an old married couple."  Roy said sadly.  "We’re not even old or married!"

 

"So you’d be more excited if we were in an angsty, sexually tense relationship that could take ten or more years to develop into something substantial? Possibly not until after we both have several near death experiences?"

 

"No."  He leaned on his desk and looked at her.  "However I do want to know if you’d still set against sex in the office.  If you are, then I think you should read this and it might change your mind."

 

Riza frowned and walked over to his side, then looked out the window before she closed the blinds.   She cocked her head as she saw the rest of the team gathered around a kiosk on the street corner.  it looked like they were playing with dolls.   “I think you should be more concerned that Falman and Havoc are playing with a life size inflatable version of you down in the street.”

 

"Bet he’s more exciting than me."  Roy pouted. 

 

"Want me to go find out?"  She asked and she heard a heavy sigh.  "Roy…"

 

"Let me read some of this to you and you’ll find out why I’m upset."

 

Riza turned and closed her eyes.   Just how she wanted to spend her lunch break, hearing Roy read Breda’s RoyAi fanfiction to her.  ”Fine.”

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Havoc tried to twist the inflatable Roy’s hand so that it was pointing at Falman.  ”Now Hawkeye, you don’t just light the fire under my ass….you light a burning passion deep in my heart.  Marry me, let’s have beautiful but destructive children and take over this country!”

 

Falman frowned.  ”Is that life size doll anatomically correct?  Something seems inflated in his pants.”

 

Havoc pointed to the tiny action figures.  ”The little guys are anatomically correct.  I’d imagine the sex doll would.   I mean who wants to just cuddle with him?  He’s kind of an asshole.”

 

Fuery couldn’t believe how lucky they were to have a fangirl owned gift shop pop up across the street from work.  He handed the girl his money so he could own a collectible Roy mustang 12” action figure to play with in the office.  They’d be able to reenact Breda’s popular fanfiction now!

 

Breda looked around the cart.  ”Where is Hawkeye?  We can’t have a Mustang without Hawkeye.  He’d probably show up without his pants everyday.  If he even found his way to work on his own.  Pretty sure his dogtags have her phone number stamped in them in case he gets lost.”

 

Falman looked around.  ”Not sure I want to ask if there is a lifesize Hawkeye doll.  I think that might lead to a fatal shooting.”

 

Havoc thrust life size Roy’s pelvis at the older man.  ”I got plenty of ammo right here!”

 

Falman frowned.  ”I am feeling a little weird now.”

 

Breda cocked his head.  ”Fullmetal dolls are _half off_.”

 

Havoc walked his Roy doll over to Breda and used his mock Roy voice.  ”Fullmetal, even your fangirls realize you’re only half a man.  HAHA.”

 

Breda started to bend all the little Roys on the shelf around to make them do inappropriate things to each other.  ”Maybe you should buy that doll Jean.  Probably the only way you’ll get a date is if you’re pretending to be the inflatable Colonel.”

 

Havoc blew smoke in his face.  ”At least I go out instead of writing smut about our superiors.”

 

Breda snorted.  ”I want those two together more than I want a real relationship for myself.”

 

Fuery chirped.  ”I thought you were writing fanfiction for the <1% review to page view ratio.”

 

"Those two assholes have taken over my life.  I watch movies, read books, listen to the radio and all I think about is RoyAi." Breda smiled.  "I’ll worry about my own lovelife after their wedding."

 

Fuery sighed.  ”Sadly your smut is more satisfying than sex anyhow.”  

 

Havoc cocked an eyebrow.  That would have only been weirder if he heard it in Al’s voice.   “Ok, let’s get to lunch.”

 

Falman glanced up at the office window and thought he saw the blinds move.  Nah, there was no way they’d do it in the office.  Mustang knew Fuery bugged it last week since they thought someone was spying on them and rifling through desks at night.   


	10. State Alchemist Battle Card Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Just a little something I wrote for my Tumblr blog and posted a while back as "The Games We Play" but it just fit better as part of the Team Mustang Collection.

_Team Mustang Collection_

Chapter 10

**State Alchemist Battle Card Game**

* * *

Ed's eyes narrowed as he looked at the mess of board games and cards on the conference table in Mustang's office. Al was outside trying to give away a box of kittens to people and he was left to submit his report on his own. He forgot it was lunchtime, Mustang would probably make him wait around until lunch was over to get back to business. "Someone hit a garage sale or something?"

"Aww, sorry Kimblee!" Roy threw the card across the table at Havoc. "Looks like you are arrested by the fashion police for wearing white after Labor Day. Skip two turns."

"Ha! Get out of jail free for doing the evil bidding of the State card!" Havoc flicked the card at Mustang.

Ed frowned and looked at the "game" they were playing. Cards, kid's board games, paper play money…what the hell was all of this? Oh and some cool-as-hell action figures of alchemists! Well maybe getting here a little early wasn't so bad...

" _Explosive_ diarrhea, skip two turns." Mustang tossed the card down with a smug smile.

"Venereal disease strikes fangirl horde, they're out of play for three turns!" Havoc countered.

Riza shook her head and went back to reading. So much for a quiet lunch. Stupid boys.

Roy delicately placed a card in the center of the table and smiled. "Flash charming smile, fangirls cured."

Havoc threw his cards down and spat, "Damn this stupid game!"

Mustang sat quietly with a smile on his face looking at his cards. "Your play, Breda. I mean, Armstrong."

"You're actually playing kid's games?" Ed queried.

Havoc lit a cigarette and leaned back in his chair. "State Alchemist Battle card game."

Ed raised his eyebrows. They made that? "Seriously?"

Hawkeye sighed. "They found some collector card game and expanded on it. Part Pokemon, part Uno, mostly ridiculous and 100% annoying."

Havoc pointed to the table. "We use CandyLand as the board. There is a Battleship side game to determine what "ship" your fangirl horde is on at the moment, and Risk over there for when you are drawn into tactical combat. The Game of Life determines your career to begin and after you make your way through 'East City Candyland" you can move to "Central Monopoly" and start buying your way to power."

"Fangirl horde?" Ed asked. He got the rest. He knew what the other games were, but the rules were still fuzzy.

"Each alchemist starts with his base powers and a fangirl horde. You can play cards to have them go defensive or offensive but your opponent can play the rabid or yaoi card." Havoc explained

"Rabid or yaoi?" Ed asked.

"Rabid is when they turn on you and molest you to knock off health and mental points. Yaoi is when they use the ship over there to force you to be draw closer to your opponent because of your love for them. To break away you must sink the ship."

Breda chimed in, "Each alchemist's fangirls have certain powers. Mustang's replenish quickly cause he's…him. Kimblee's can play anywhere on the board since he's mentally all over the place. Amrstrong's have clothes exploding action..."

Ed looked at all the game boards and cards. It was so ridiculously over complicated only an alchemist could have dreamt it up. So if Mustang made the game…."What do  _my_ fangirls do?"

"Look under the microscope to see you." Mustang said dryly but his face betrayed his amusement at his own joke.

"Deal me in." Ed hissed. By God he was going to beat him at his own made up game!  _Screw you Mustang! Goddamned asshole!_

"After Breda makes his last move and quits stalling." Roy replied and cocked an eyebrow at the man.

"Fine." Breda threw his card down. "Armstrong pectoral dancing plus ten."

Mustang flicked a card at him. "My fangirls are not amused, I play my "Ice queen catches you masturbating with Armstrong family's famous recipe  _hardwood_ floor cleaner card."

"Dammit!" Breda threw his cards down.

"Which means that I'm going to roast the sparkles out of your hair with Flame Alchemy plus five." Mustang placed the card down and grinned.

Breda countered with, "I have the 'old lady throws bucket of water out window to shut up howling cats' card! Your Flames are extinguished!"

"Not so fast…" Mustang placed his ace in the hole. "Colonel Must-Bang Wet T-Shirt Power incites a fangirl riot in your ranks. They want my abs now!"

Ed grabbed the card that was his own and checked it over. Fullmetal Alchemist: Strength, above average. Intelligence above average with immaturity minus ten. Alchemy, Earth elemental bonus. Fangirl superpower: squee plus ten. "What's a 'squee'?"

"Sound a crazed fangirl makes." Havoc mumbled. "Clears the board around you ten spaces."

Mustang gave him a smile. "Wanna play?"

Ed growled. He had that smug 'I already have the winning hand even though we haven't started playing' look. "Bring it on asshole."

"I see you understand how to use the yaoi fangirl already." Mustang smirked. "Ok, let's reset the board."

Ed sat down as Havoc dealt him a hand.

Mustang took his new cards and leaned back in his chair as Ed hunched over the table trying to figure out how to begin. "Start on the game of Life. Spin and pick either the long road to the Academy, more money and access to both alchemy skill card piles or the  _short_ road were you take your chances teaching yourself and have to linger in the shadows of a superior your entire career just to have an expense account for research and skill acquisition."

Ed watched the grimace form on Breda's face, a tell that Mustang just made that up to piss him off. "You just changed the rules."

"It's the game of life." Roy said with a monotone drone. "The rules are always changing and life isn't fair."

"That's cause you're a dick."

"Pick kid, lunch ends in ten minutes. " Roy replied coolly.

"What do I need money for?" Ed asked as Havoc handed him the play money.

"To buy skills, pay for damages in battle or rampages caused by your fangirl horde…." Roy cocked an eyebrow as Ed's eyebrow twitched angrily.

"In _the game_ , shithead." Ed snapped.

"I  _am_ talking about the game." Roy said with an innocent shrug. "The only damage  _your_ fangirls can do is to your self-esteem when they realize your a prepubescent midget. "

Havoc shook his head. "Should have warned you the Colonel is very competitive and cutthroat when it comes to games."

"We're just talking about the game again?" Ed grumbled and settled into his chair.

"Quit stalling and spin the wheel." Roy snorted.

Ed played his turns on the Life board before moving his little action figure to the CandyLand board. Mustang immediately threw a card at him.

"Sorry, broke your automail again. Skip two turns." Roy practically sang and smiled at him as he spun the wheel and moved his piece.

Ed placed his hands on his cards and grinned. Well two could  _cheat_ at this game! He changed his next card with alchemy and then frisbeed it at Mustang. "Lost your moral compass, skip four turns."

Roy narrowed his eyes at him. So that's how it was going to be? Fine. He doodled on the score keeping notepad and scratched out a simple transmutation circle. With a smirk he changed his next card and placed it on the board. "Piss off your girlfriend, minus ten health from wrench related concussion. Also two skipped turns for days in hospital."

Ed's hands pressed on the next card before tossing it on top of the last one played. "Piss off your Lieutenant and get pistol whipped, minus ten health and four days nursing your wounds like a baby."

Hawkeye looked up at the clock. One minute before lunch ended. She sighed as the two continued their stupid game.

Roy laughed and flicked the next card onto the pile. "Challenge superior officer to ridiculous battle of skills and get humiliated. Health minus five, fame negative fifty."

Ed's response was quick, "Forget to look at weather forecast, go fight super villain serial killer during a thunderstorm…get soaked and rendered useless. Street cred minus one hundred."

Hawkeye stood up after looking at the clock and walked over to the table. "Play stupid game, asshole points plus two thousand. Game over. "

Ed looked up at her annoyed. "But I didn't get to sink his battleship Royal or buy real estate in Central!"

"It's RoyAi." Breda informed him with a dreamy sigh. "The unsinkable ship."

"What?" Ed asked as the man seemed lost in a train of thought as both Mustang and Hawkeye shot him a glare.

Riza walked over and closed the Battleship Travel game and said, "Well I'm Queen of the pirates and I'm taking your stupid ships."

Breda pouted and began to clean up the cards that were thrown everywhere.

"Lunch is over. Clean up the toys and get back to work." Hawkeye snapped

"Who knew." Roy said with a smug grin. "Flame versus Fullmetal would be a  _short_ game? "

"Shove it!" Ed stood and growled at Mustang as he leisurely slumped in his comfortable chair.

Hawkeye turned and 'accidentally' cracked Mustang in the head with the Battleship game. "Sorry sir, hard time getting around that inflated ego of yours."

Roy rubbed his head and frowned. "We'll play again tomorrow."

"Damn right we will." Ed declared.


	11. Drinking Games

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Another something I wrote a while back and posted on Tumblr and here as "The Games We Play". Just worked better in this collection. Based on a manga panel.

_Team Mustang Collection_

Chapter 11

**Drinking Games**

* * *

Havoc raised the bottle of expensive bourbon in a gesture of victory as Mustang's head hit the bar-top. "And he's out!"

Breda slapped his hand on the bar to see if the Colonel stirred. When he didn't budge he let out a fit of drunken laughter and grabbed his beer. He tried to clink it against Havoc's bottle, but used a bit too much force and as the two glass containers collided, the bottle cracked.

Havoc let out a wail as the precious whiskey poured out of the bottle and onto Mustang's black hair along with a few chunks of glass . He lamented the loss of the liquor as he watched it pool around the man's head as he lie unconscious and slumped over the bar. He flicked the piece of glass off his Colonel's head before grabbing him by the coat and pulling him up off the bar.

Breda watched the events play out as Havoc inspected the liquid on the bar to see if if was salvageable. He half expected him to start licking it off the wooden surface . "So much for your prize."

There was a distinguishable mocking laugh from his best friend after that statement and Havoc frowned. What was the point of winning the drinking game if he didn't even get a sip of the victory whiskey after he won it? "But I won!"

Breda finished his beer and wiped his mouth off on his sleeve. "Well..we can always call Hawkeye to pick him up and see if you can't win the office pool. Buy your own damned fancy booze."

Havoc still had a hold of Mustang's coat effectively keeping him upright. His boss's mouth hung open as whiskey dripped out of his hair and down his face. Peanut skins were plastered on his cheek from his unceremonious crash into the dirty bar-top. Jean thought about the office pool they had going, the "Who makes them slip up and admit they're in love" pool. They also had a pool on how long it would take before Mustang realized his Mom was having phone sex with Grumman but that was taking so long it was depressing. Jean looked at the Colonel's drunken, drool/bourbon/peanut covered face and smirked. What the hell, why not? Payback for that humiliating loss in the stupid kid's gard game yesterday. "Yeah. Lets call Hawkeye to pick up  _her_  Colonel. We're too drunk to drive."

"We're very responsible." Breda snorted as Havoc let go of Mustang and the Colonel's head smacked into the bar again. They both paused and waited to make sure he wasn't going to fall off the bar stool before they went to the phone. He was proud of them for taking that measure, then realized they probably should be a bit more concerned about their brilliant commander's brain being bruised than him hitting the sticky floor. Then again if he wasn't using that brain of his to figure out that Grumman was talking dirty to his Mom all the time it wasn't really that valuable of an asset. I mean exactly how could you not think something dirty when you heard 'Christmas is cumming early, I didn't authorize that! Ho, ho, oooohhh' echoing down the halls of Eastern Command? He shuddered and finished off his beer to try and wash that filth from his thoughts.

Havoc pulled the card with the team's phone numbers out of his wallet and watched Breda put the change into the pay phone. He thought Breda looked a little sick, but didn't want to say anything. This was by far the best drinking game they had come up with! He dialed Hawkeye and put the card away, careful to return his wallet to where it belonged before he put it somewhere his inebriated mind couldn't recall. "Hawkeye!?"

Breda winced as Havoc yelled a bit too loudly to make sure she heard him over the noise in the bar.

"Hi. Yeah, maybe a little. The Colonel is passed out." Havoc declared and smiled at Breda.

Breda put his head against the wall and waited. He could almost see Hawkeye's disappoval.

Jean cleared his throat. "Hawkeye can you come get him? We can't drive."

Breda added with mock urgency and panic in his voice, "Help Jean! They're circling!"

Havoc had to suppress a giggle as he heard her ask what was circling, buzzards? "Worse! Fan girls! It's like an episode of 'When fan girls attack!' We can barely keep then off him, he's defenseless. Passed out...they're ruthless bitches."

"Jean! Get over here and help me! I can't get this one off his leg!" Breda cried out in his best distressed voice before giving in to some giggles and having Havoc kick him. "It's just like that damned card game, they've gone rabid! AH! AH!"

"God Hawkeye its like they're in heat! Breda and I are going to try and get him out back to the alley and keep him safe before they start tearing his clothes off. Hurry! We're at the Village Tavern. Breda! Quick! That blond has his hand in her mouth! Hell man, those fingers are insured! We don't know where she's been, don't let her suck on that!" Havoc covered his mouth to stop himself from laughing.

Breda chuckled as he slammed the phone down and they both turned to look at their beloved Colonel as he slipped off the bar stool and flopped onto the ground. He shrugged. "All fangirl related injuries. Totally plausible."

"So rock paper scissors to determine who gets his wallet out of his pants and pays our tab?" Havoc asked and smirked. He was beginning to feel the ill effects of the drinking game and wasn't really sure at this point he'd be able to recall the rules. Then again they worked for Mustang and he was a cheating bastard and always changed the rules, so nobody had a clear idea of what beat what anymore.

"I have a better idea." Breda chuckled and picked up their boss. He slung the man's arm over his shoulder and held him upright with his right arm. He dragged his limp form over to the table with some prowling cougars and said, "This man is Colonel Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist and Hero of Ishval."

Havoc walked over and watched the older woman coo and purr at that announcement. He chuckled as he knew exactly where this was going.

"How much would you lovely ladies pay to put your hand in his pants and pull out his wallet?" Breda asked and their eyes grew wide and suddenly purses were being emptied on the table and a bidding war began.

Havoc felt bad that they were auctioning off rights to molest their precious leader, so he coughed and clarified Breda's statement for him. "His wallet...in his pocket. No hands in the pants, that's property of someone else."

Breda watched the ladies pout but still serve up stacks of bills to offer for the privilege. Havoc saved them both there, no way they were going to get any RoyAi action if Hawkeye suspected a bunch of perfumed cougars had been manhandling his privates. Then he snorted at the pun. "Yeah, our Lieutenant is the only one who knows how to take command of his privates."

Havoc snorted and chuckled. They really did drink too much.

* * *

When Hawkeye came around the corner of the bar she could only shake her head. There, under the porch light by the back door of the bar, set the mighty Flame Alchemist drooling on himself. Roy was propped up against a stack of empty crates with a gray tabby cat rubbing against his side and twitching it's tail, a sign that the feline had sprayed his jacket before walking away to avoid her gaze. She walked up to him and looked down at the sorry mess that was her commander:his jacket was covered in peanut shells, some paper products were stuck to him with some amber goo and it looked like some glass fragments were in his hair as they reflecting the light from the flickering bulb. She looked over at Havoc who was sitting on a crate smoking and Breda who gave her a cheerful grin as he counted a stack of cash. "You're just lucky it's Friday night and you all don't have to be at work until Monday."

"Fangirls...outnumbered us. You might want to be careful to not touch his hand just yet." Havoc mumbled. "We haven't had time to disinfect it."

"So fangirls are the reason he has glass in his hair, smells like a distillery and cat piss and looks like he slept in a dumpster?" She asked and the both grinned, showing their lack of innocence.

"A bottle broke during a toast." Havoc said and snickered.

"It's Mustang," Breda added, "No surprise that a pussy couldn't help rubbing all over him."

Havoc snorted and started to laugh. He wanted to add something but just couldn't manage it. Instead he blew some smoke through his nostrils and tapped off some ash onto the pavement.

"Do you have his keys?" She asked.

Breda shook his head. "Getting in his pants is not in my job description."

Havoc cackled and slapped his knee. "Show us how it's done Lieutenant Hawkeye."

She glared at them both and bent down to carefully peel back his jacket so she didn't touch the cat piss. She was glad he was unconscious, last thing she needed was him mewling something inappropriate as she snaked her hand into his pocket to get his keys. "Why is there glitter on his pants?"

Meanwhile Havoc prayed to God that Mustang would awake from his stupor and confess his undying love for the woman hovering over him. It wasn't happening on it's own so he said a bit too loudly, "Yeah Hawkeye, get your hand in there deep and pull it out."

Breda bit his lip as she shot them both a glare and in a swift move pulled her gun from her back holster and pointed it at them. They both gulped.

"One more word and you both go to the hospital with flesh wounds tonight." She watched them both nod and turned as Mustang stirred. Her hand in his pocket froze and she hoped he would just stay unconscious.

Breda and Havoc held their breath as they watched Mustang move a little. This could be it, it could be  _the_  moment!

Riza hurried and grabbed his keys, retracted her hand and holstered her gun in one quick movement. She took a deep breathe and stood up. "Where's the car?"

"Across the street." Breda replied and looked down as Mustang moved again, a slight twitch.

"Can you carry him?" She prodded. They had to know the alley was too small for the car and the entrance to the bar way too busy to double park in front of it while they tried to wrestle him out of his jacket and throw him in the back seat.

Havoc nodded. Yeah, they could carry him and poke him in the kidneys a few times to try and wake him up. "Yup."

Breda bent down to pick him up and realized he smelled terrible and it would likely rub off on his only nice suit. "A little help getting this coat off?"

Havoc tried to pull the jacket off as Breda held the Colonel by his vest and steadied him. "Hey Colonel, we're going to take you home. Hawkeye's here. She's going to drive us home."

Breda shook his head. No response. "Hawkeye has come to rescue you."

Havoc peeled the jacket off and and held it as far away from him as if it was a dirty diaper. He watched Breda lift the smaller man up, put his arm around his neck and carry/drag him towards the street. So far, no good. However they still had the car ride and getting him settled into his apartment to get him to awake up. He felt it in his gut, tonight was the night! Much better than a drinking game!

"Thousand cenz says she takes him back to her place." Breda gave Havoc a wink.

"You're on."

"Jean?" Breda asked and watched for him to open the door to the back seat. "Do you ever start to think we have a gambling problem?"

"Nah." Havoc bent down and smiled at Riza who was in the driver's seat already. "We're going to come with you so we can help carry him in. We going to your place or his?"

Riza blinked. She was hoping they'd just put him in the car and she'd take him home with her. With the way he worded it, it would definitely seem weird no matter how much she argued it was for his own protection. "Why would I take the Colonel home with me?"

Havoc stood up and winked at Breda. "His place, throw him in."

"Damn!"

"At least the dog won't be there." Havoc grinned and watched Breda dump Mustang in the back seat before hitting his head on the roof at the mention of the dog. Breda backed up and looked at the Colonel, his face smashed into the back seat and his ass sticking in the air.

Breda gave him the cash he just won and pointed to the seat next to Mustang's raised posterior. "Winner gets that seat."

"You want his head in your lap?" Havoc asked.

"Shit. Just get him upright before I get around to the other side of the car."

"Will do buddy." Havoc tossed his cigarette and ducked back into the car. It would be interesting to see how well Hawkeye navigated Mustang's apartment and if they could find anything of hers in his closet or bathroom. Game on!


End file.
